Introduction
There are many reasons we might choose to see a sexuality professional, including taking workshops and/or training courses - to enjoy pleasure, to learn & to grow & explore our erotic potential with the support of an expert, to feel close to someone, to seek healing & guidance around challenges we face, related to our sexuality & intimacy; there are as many reasons as there are people!
The sexuality industry is mostly unregulated, there are less than a handful of official bodies, worldwide, that regulate &/or monitor the training or practice of practitioners, and those that exist are largely peer founded & led. In reality, anyone can set themselves up as a ''teacher'' or practitioner with little or no training & experience, or perhaps with much training & experience but a very poor quality & unregulated service.
The absence of regulation can work to the advantage for some professionals & clients, leaving them free to explore a wide range of experience that would not otherwise be acceptable if they were members of a professional body, but, it also leaves the door open for unscrupulous practitioners as well as abusive & inappropriate behaviour, which unfortunately we hear about on a regular basis.
Given the very sensitive & delicate nature of sexuality work, it's potential to both ecstatically liberate & deeply damage people, it behoves, I believe, those who come from a strong background in professional study, training & practice to inform & support potential clients, both of one-to-one sessions as well as workshops & trainings, of some of the issues worth considering, some questions worth asking, before you engage the services of a practitioner to ensure that you are working with the practitioner best suited to your needs & one who has the right training to be able to appropriately & professionally support you in what you wish to achieve & experience, & to refer you to another appropriate practitioner if they cannot meet your needs. Here, I've drawn on my own 28 year career of study & work in the sexuality field as a professionally trained counsellor & therapist, educator & service manager, as well as 32 years of informal training & personal experience in some of the methodologies discussed below.
Bliss Ireland also abides by these guidelines when choosing practitioners for our events.
Bliss Ireland also abides by these guidelines when choosing practitioners for our events.
The intention in offering this information is to empower clients to make enriching choices, not to criticise practitioners. Much gratitude to Soulkittens for their generosity in allowing me use some of the material that was put together for their site, written & edited by Seani Love & Ruby May of Soulkittens together with Mike Lousada, Bonnie Bliss, Kian de la Cour, Kimaya Crolla-Younger, London Faerie, Cathryn Jiggens & myself. I hope you find the information here useful & feedback is welcome to blissfestival@gmail.com
A separate page in relation to training in the field, the teaching of skills, is currently in development.
A separate page in relation to training in the field, the teaching of skills, is currently in development.
Beth Wallace
Founder & Director Bliss Ireland
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The information on this page is broken down into three sections:
What kind of practitioners are there?
How do I chose who to work with?
How do I make sure I have the most positive & beneficial experience possible?
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These are designed to be guidelines, rather than something set in stone. We acknowledge that there will be differences in the way others may describe different categories, practitioners & practices, this is one perspective. At all times, exercise your own discernment.
WHAT KIND OF PRACTITIONERS ARE THERE?
Medical advice?
Depending on the nature of what you are seeking support with, it may be a good idea to see a medical doctor first, to make sure that there is no underlying medical condition present.
Tantric Massage Practitioners
Tantric massage has evolved from modern/neo/westernised tantra & usually involves a ritual including a full body massage, traditionally integrating the genitals, with a focus on mindfully connecting deeply to the body, spirit & the connection between heart & sex. People receive Tantric massage for pleasure or for healing & often the two go hand in hand.
There will be variation in whether the practitioner is undressed or how much they integrate their own body into the session, but traditionally sessions include only one-way touch from practitioner to client, & do not include oral or penetrative sex.
Some Tantric massage practitioners may have experience of working with specific sexuality-related issues, but it is worth enquiring if there is something specific you would like to receive support with. Some practitioners may also have coaching or other therapeutic skills they utilise in their practice, equally, some practitioners set themselves up in practice after as little as one week's informal training. It's also worth asking whether a practitioner has formal massage qualifications, if this is important to you, as many do not.
With the increase in popularity of tantric massage, there are many erotic massage practitioners & escorts who may describe their work as ‘tantric’, however this is not really reflective of what they are actually offering. We advise discernment & the asking of many questions!
Daka/Dakini
The terms Daka & Dakini ,in this context, refer to a guide in modern/neo/westernised tantra focusing on sexuality. Their work will be highly individualized & may encompass breathing practices, counselling (they may or may not have formal training - inquire if this is important to you), tantric massage & sacred intimacy. Click here to read about Dakini in classical/traditional Tantra, you'll see there's a very large difference!
Erotic Massage
Erotic massage may or may not include the whole body but will include the genitals. These sessions usually have a focus on pleasure & often include orgasm. These type of sessions may sometimes include two way touch, this depends on the practitioner.
Certified Sexological Bodyworker (CSB) & Certified Somatic Sex Educator (CSSE)
These practitioners have undertaken a professional certified training, Sexological Bodyworkers are trained sexologists whose certification is a legal profession in several countries.
The main focus of Certified Sexological Bodyworkers is erotic embodiment, which is about expanding & exploring erotic potential.
Sexological Bodywork modalities include masturbation coaching, Taoist Erotic Massage, breathwork, anal/vulval mapping, scar tissue remediation, Orgasmic Yoga coaching, sensate focus & pelvic floor release. A growing area of interest is in gender reassignment & bringing sensation to areas which may have been rendered numb or painful by surgery.
There is a focus on transformation through regular practice, hence a number of sessions will usually be recommended & home practice will usually be given. Sexological bodyworkers abide by the code of conduct which supports clear boundaries & hygiene practices.
NB: If you are looking for a practitioner to support you in addressing sexual trauma or a history of sexual abuse, it is important to establish they are qualified to work with this, as not all practitioners are.
Pro-dommes/Dominatrix/Sacred & Conscious Kink Practitioners
These are professionals that offer sessions working with BDSM (a term that stands for ‘Bondage, Discipline, Dominance & Submission, Sadism & Masochism’ & includes playing with power dynamics, fantasy & fetish, & intense sensation e.g whipping, caning etc). These can be for pleasure (& pain!), adventure &/or healing, & can be online or in person. Conscious/Sacred BDSM practitioners may have more of a focus on intimacy & transformative experience.
Escorts
Escorts are specialists in the art of erotic pleasure! They offer a variety of different sexual services, often including penetrative sex, but may have many other skill sets including sex education, massage, BDSM & intimacy coaching. Sessions may not focus on sex & might be centred on supporting their clients to feel appreciated & listened to or acting as companions at social events.
Courtesans
Traditionally, courtesans offer their sexual services to the wealthier classes. Courtesans were well-educated & skilled in the arts as well as pleasure. Their clients are usually interested in longer sessions that might also include social events.
Sacred Intimates
Sacred intimates are similar to escorts, in that they offer opportunities for sexual exploration, but they often follow a spiritual path & their primary intention is that of supporting the client’s healing & empowerment.
Sacred intimates often engage in intimacy as a representative of, & gateway to, the divine rather than as an individual man or woman.
Sexual Surrogates
Sexual Surrogates work mostly in the USA with a licensed therapist to create a course of healing over a period of time for each client, which usually involves being physically intimate with the surrogate. Usually clients contact & build up a good relationship with the therapist first.
Sex/Sexuality Therapists
Sex therapists are often trained as psychotherapists & have additional training in sexology and other sex therapies & support people in addressing sexual dysfunctions.
They usually abide by a code of conduct, which means there is no touch or physical intimacy between client & practitioner (ask them about this if it is unclear).
Although there is no experiential aspect during sessions, the client may be given homework to do in between sessions. There are some sex therapists who specialise in couples & relationship therapy.
Sex/Sexuality Coaches
Sex coaches also offer talk-based sessions, but usually offer a more solution orientated approach with less focus on psychological processes. They often do not have the extensive training that therapists have, & may not be as suitable for working with deeper, psychological issues.
They are often trained as sex educators & can have extensive knowledge of anatomy & ways of changing behaviour through tantric & other practises. Often the client is given exercises to try at home. Many sex coaches offer Skype sessions.
While most sex coaches do not engage in bodywork, some do integrate hands on touch in their practices. The ethical standards for the World Association of Sex Coaches is to uphold those of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (with the exception to use appropriate touch). However, there are no regulations as to who can call themselves a coach, with some individuals using the title of ‘coach’ with very little training or experience.
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HOW DO I CHOOSE WHO TO WORK WITH?
Once you’ve decided the best kind of practitioner to work with, there are a number of other factors to consider, to help you narrow it down to finding the practitioner that’s just right for you…
There has been a big surge in the number of sexuality practitioners offering services in the past few years & like in any trade, there will be variety in their experience, professionalism & credibility.
Because much of the hands-on work is a relatively new field, you’ll find that many practitioners will not have as extensive experience as other professions such as traditional talk or bodywork therapies. This doesn’t have to be a negative thing though, & there are plenty of talented & dedicated practitioners out there, it's just important that you have all the information you feel you need to choose the practitioner that's right for you, right now.
While we can offer you some tips on finding a good practitioner, DO trust your own gut instinct, in ALL stages of the process & ,if you feel comfortable, ask friends, colleagues or professionals you respect for recommendations.
Hands on/Hands off
Do you want to work with someone where there is touch or physical intimacy included in the session or not? Sex therapists offer talk based sessions, tantric massage therapists, erotic massage artists & some sex coaches offer one-way touch, sacred intimates, surrogates & escorts traditionally usually offer two way touch.
Female/Male/Other
Is it important to you which gender your practitioner is? You might feel safer or more comfortable either with a practitioner of the same or different gender to you. Or if you feel the themes you bring with you to a session are around interacting with members of a specific gender, it would be worth finding a practitioner of that gender. If you are seeking someone to explore gender issues with, there are also practitioners who specialise in this.
Professional Training & Education
We suggest that you research what training & education a practitioner has participated in. Especially if you are looking for support with specific psychological issues or trauma, it is important to find a practitioner who as well as their sexological training, has a counselling/psychotherapy element in their training history.
Looking at education history is no fool proof method of ensuring quality however, there are some wonderful self-taught practitioners & of course some not so wonderful yet professionally trained practitioners.
There are currently three professional bodies that sexuality practitioners may belong to – the Association of Certified Sexological Bodyworkers (ACSB), the Association of Somatic and Integrative Sexology (ASIS) and the International Professional Surrogates Association (IPSA), provided practitioners meet their criteria for membership. Again, these will be indicators of practitioners who have done specific trainings & who abide by a code of conduct, but there are plenty of great practitioners who may not be members, who may have their own codes of conduct, this may be on their website & if not you can ask for it.
It is common practice as a practitioner to have a mentor or supervisor, i.e someone who oversees the practitioner’s work, so this is also something you can enquire about, that can be an indicator of professionalism. You might also want to enquire about references or testimonials written by past clients.
Some practitioners will have a code of conduct or ethics section on their website, if it's not on their website you could inquire about one.
Areas of expertise
Some practitioners will specialise in working with people of a certain gender, or working with specific themes & issues. For example, if you are wanting to work with sexual trauma, it is important to find a practitioner who has training & experience in this.
Many Sexological Bodyworkers, somatic sexologists & certain tantric massage therapists & hands-on coaches will be able to support their clients in working with sexual difficulties such erectile dysfunction, early ejaculation, vaginismus & orgasm difficulties. To find support with intimacy issues, a sacred intimate, surrogate or certain Tantric massage practitioners may be more suitable.
Chemistry
You’re going to be in an intimate situation with this practitioner, so it’s important the chemistry is right between you! Does the language they use on their website, resonate with you? Do you feel like their approach offers a solution to something you are searching for?
For some practitioners such as traditional sex therapists, many coaches & Sexological Bodyworkers, the session is about the client & strict boundaries are maintained between client & practitioner. For other services, the chemistry & attraction & transference between client & practitioner is important, so choosing someone who you feel drawn to physically & energetically may be really important.
Booking Your Session
Before you contact a practitioner, make sure you’ve read all the information on their website & that you try & answer any questions you have this way first.
The amount of information a practitioner will want to know about you in advance varies, but you should definitely give them a brief outline of what draws you to a session & what you'd like to achieve or experience. If you don’t feel comfortable emailing sensitive information, most practitioners will be happy to have a short introductory phone call with you.
Once you’ve initiated contact with your practitioner of choice, how do you feel once you get a response? Do you feel reassured & in good hands, or wary? Listen to your gut instinct. It’s OK to feel nervous & apprehensive, but if you really feel uncomfortable at this stage, it may be wise to look elsewhere.
Feel free to ask them exactly what may happen in a session with you, & what the boundaries are that they work with, if this is unclear to you. A good practitioner should give you clear answers on their approach, exactly what it is they provide, how many sessions would be advisable, whether they feel you would be a good match, & if they feel they aren't a good match they should be happy to refer you to a colleague. They should also have a clear & transparent pricing structure, including cancellation policy. Be wary of anyone who makes big promises for miracle solutions! If you are seeking transformational work, change often takes place over a longer time & it is not unusual for a practitioner to recommend a series of sessions over a number of months.
HOW TO MAKE THE MOST OF YOUR SESSION & ENSURE YOU HAVE A VALUABLE EXPERIENCE
Although often we’d love for our teachers, facilitators & guides to be perfect, we’re all human! It’s really important as a client, that you maintain a sense of self-responsibility, self-care & trusting your own gut instinct throughout the process of seeing a practitioner. No good practitioner would want you to give away your power & put your total trust in them, (unless it's consensually agreed as part of a role play) & act as if they know what's best for you, if they do, then it's a clear indicator to discontinue your work with them.
Preparing for your session
If the session involves hands-on touch, you’re going to want to make sure are freshly showered & clean, & you should expect the same from your practitioner! Some practitioners will have a shower available to use prior to, & after, the session. You’re also going to want to make sure you have a clear head & are not under the influence of any intoxicants. It’s perfectly normal to feel some nervousness!
You might want to spend some time prior to your session, tuning in to what it is you want to experience or what you are seeking guidance with, so you can communicate this clearly to the practitioner. You can even write some notes & take them with you, if you find this helpful - a good practitioner will appreciate your clarity, but equally if you're not completely clear that's OK too, discovering what it is you want & need can be part of the work.
Remember though: while it can be powerful to have an intention for the session, having too many rigid ideas & attachments as to how the session is supposed to go can get in the way!
First Impressions
Once you arrive, how do you feel? Is the space clean, warm & comfortable? Does the space reflect a sense of care & consideration for you? Do you feel like you are being treated like a unique & equal individual? Are you being listened to & respected? Is all as it was promised? These are all absolutely necessary components of a good session.
Self-empowerment
It is important that the practitioner value your thoughts & ideas & encourages you to connect to your own wisdom & intuition, rather than give you the impression they know what’s best for you. The best practitioners will encourage you to move towards greater self-empowerment!
Although working with a practitioner may involve going outside your comfort zone (as this is where the growth & transformation mostly happens) & often dealing with challenging emotions, it is important that overall you feel safe & in good hands,& do not feel you are being coerced into doing something that does not feel right to you.
If something doesn’t feel right, you are perfectly entitled (& we really encourage you) to say something! Feel free to ask anything about their approach or intention at any point. Are they happy to respond or do they get defensive? A good practitioner should NOT get defensive - remember, it is OK for you to pause or end a session at any time!
If there is any kind of intimate touch involved, the practitioner should inform you of this in advance & this should be agreed between you – this should never come as a surprise. Especially penetrative sex.
If there is oral or penetrative sex involved in the session, it is important that you use protection from sexually transmitted infections, such as male condoms, female condoms & dental dams. Do not let yourself be persuaded by a practitioner that this is not necessary. We advise you to NOT work with a practitioner who does not practise safer sex.
The most powerful sessions are when you actively create the session WITH the practitioner by being being expressive about your needs in each moment & taking responsibility for what happens. Especially if you feel disconnected, do not wait until something from the outside happens to change this - you can help yourself by reaching out & communicating honestly.
Remember, you are never obligated to do anything you do not want to do, nor are you obligated to stay for the duration of a session if something doesn’t feel right to you, you can pause or end a session at any time & are not obligated to give the practitioner a reason, although a good practitioner will most likely want to hear your reasons & discuss this openly with you.
After The Session
Everyone’s needs are different & there will be variance in what will feel right for different people after a session. It’s generally a good idea not to plan too much for afterwards, so you have time to rest & digest your experience.
Often learning or transformation takes place in ways that are beyond the comprehension of our rational, conscious minds, so allow your brain to have a bit of a rest, & give your self time & space to feel. Especially if you have received touch or bodywork, give yourself space to connect & listen to your body.
Some practitioners will offer a follow up via email or phone just to check in & see how you are. A good practitioner will appreciate feedback, if you feel inspired to share something once your experience has settled.
And so, in brief!
Have you checked out any medical issues, if appropriate?
Have you decided what type of practitioner best suits your needs right now?
Are you clear on what the practitioner is offering, their boundaries in terms of what will happen in the session, costs, cancellation, their training etc?
Have you considered what it is you wish to achieve or experience from your session/s & communicated this to your practitioner?
Have you prepared for your session?
Are you paying attention to your intuition, does it all feel ''right''?
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Finally, we wish you what you wish for yourself on your journey, with whatever type of practitioner you choose & whatever type of sessions, workshops or training you undertake, may it richly enhance your life experience! If this information has been useful for you please consider donating to Bliss Ireland, which is run solely by volunteers, you can do so via PayPal to blissfestival@gmail.com thank you!
